10/8
11) SUCK
(2009, Canada. Dir: Rob Stefaniuk)
Ah, it wouldn't be my annual October marathon without a ridiculous rock 'n' roll themed horror movie (or two...or three..) There's just something about the horror-rock hybrid that never results in a great movie (save for the classic Phantom of the Paradise), but I always enjoy watching this stuff, even if it's shitty (e.g., Slumber Party Massacre Part II, Terror on Tour, Black Roses, Trick or Treat, Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare...hell, any horror-rock movie from the 80's!) And I'll give bonus points to anyone who dares to make a music themed horror in today's climate, because you're just asking to be laughed at.
The great thing about Suck is that its tongue--er, fangs?--is planted firmly in cheek. And, to his credit, Rob Stefaniuk has managed to wrangle aging rockers like Rollins, Iggy Pop, and monster rock grandaddy himself, Alice Cooper, to do cameos in his movie. Not to mention Malcolm McDowell as the Van Helsing-ish character who is kept vampirically young in flashback scenes by impressively incorporating bits from O Lucky Man.
The plot centers on aging indie rock band (led by triple-threat Stefaniuk) trying to make it big. After a particularly rough show, hot bassist Jennifer (played by a pre-Mad Men Jessica Paré) takes off with a super silly Hot Topic reject with a goofy smile permanently planted on his pasty face. When she finally catches up with the rest of the band, she's even hotter, her hair looks fantastic, has what appears to be bright blue CGEyes, and she becomes the much-adored front-woman instead of the standard alt-rock chick bassist. Despite leaving a trail of bodies behind her, the band finally gains more and more fame.
Suck is a cute movie for sure, and even gets nasty awesome (one memorable scene in a convenience store is probably the most amazing thing I've seen involving a Slurpee in a horror film). It's something of a road movie, with stylish transitional shots of a stop-motion van traveling through painted backdrops with pink skies. The comedy bits can be funny, but the biggest downfall is the music. Not only does the band suck before they go vampiric, but they're still pretty bland after they become acclaimed for their unique traits. The movie has a satirical edge, so perhaps that's the point, but it still makes it hard on the ears. Most unforgivable is when Queenie the vampire's goofy grinning face shows up in the band's van window to sing a seductive ballad to Jennifer. I realize it's supposed to be cheesy, but it's too much.
I'm not sure it's going to be the cult classic it so obviously sets out to be, but it's an enjoyable enough entry into the horror-rock canon.
My Rating: 5/10 (ftv)
12) DON'T LOOK UP
(2009, USA. Dir: Fruit Chan)
Back when Three... Extremes was released at the height of the Asian horror boom, fans everywhere were pleasantly mortified by Fruit Chan's fountain-of-youth short "Dumplings." It was more extreme than the contributions by more esteemed and notorious directors Takashi Miike and Chan-Wook Park, and we couldn't wait to see what next. Chan quickly followed-up with a feature length version, which was an admirable effort but didn't really have the same intense impact as the concise story-telling in the anthology short.
So, Chan finally returned to the genre with a not-so-original effort: 2009's Don't Look Up, a remake of Hideo Nakata's pre-Ringu supernatural affair, Ghost Actress. This version is filmed in America, but set in Romania. The premise is set-up nicely, with a creepy mythology about a Gypsy woman in the Dark Ages who allegedly promised her firstborn to a demon in return for a successful marriage to a wealthy man. Her daughter is soon murdered by the villagers, thought to be demon spawn. In 1928, a director (played by Eli Roth, no joke) set out to film her story, but the film was never finished, and everyone involved in the production vanished. Flash to the modern day, and we have a troubled young American director (Reshad Strik, who actually does resemble a less-hairy Eli Roth) skipping off to Romania to try to re-create the film based upon its one remaining production still. The ghostly hijinx commence immediately, and crew members get dispatched in some inventive ways (and some very stupid ways).
Don't Look Up is brutal and repulsive, as expected from Chan. There's a disgusting head wound with superb FX, a really icky childbirth scene that made me gag, and a truly sick scene involving a growth. Despite these fantastic special effects, the film relies far too much on bottom-of-the-barrel CGI. The ghosts all dissolve into pixels. A CGI fly pops out of a video screen and flies into someone's eye, and it looks laughable. There's a dreadful storyline about the director's wife, who is dying of cancer. I'll give Don't Look Up props for being disturbing, but it's a shame that such a great premise was spoiled with such silly results.
My Rating: 4/10 (ftv)
13) OPEN HOUSE
(2010, USA. Dir: Andrew Paquin)
It's probably a red flag when television's hottest couple shows up on the cover of a straight-to-DVD horror movie directed by one of their family members. Sure, it's nice of Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin to do bit parts for Anna's brother's film, but it's shenanigans to throw their names and faces on the cover. And what about that cover art? Is this the late 90s? Why are we still tolerating floating TV star heads on horror movie posters?
OK, let's try to judge this movie objectively. After all, Paquin and Moyer aren't really going to make or break any movie for me. Open House is about yuppie couple Josh and Alice (Moyer and Rachel Blanchard) in the middle of a bitter divorce. Alice is staying at their giant suburban home, responsible for the sale and open house. When one seemingly nice prospective buyer David (Brian Geraghty) turns-out to be a total f'd up psychopath, Alice finds herself a prisoner in her own home, locked-up in the crawlspace while David and his lady Lila (Tricia Helfer) play house. It gets a bit ridiculous when they start racking up a body count, dispatching neighbors, party guests that have been lured into foursomes (!), etc., and it's implied that this is just kinda what these two serial killers do, yet they never get caught. Blanchard gives a respectable performance, especially when Alice tries to go faux-Stockholm on David to try and exert power over Lila. Helfer and Geraghty are both very stoic in their effectively creepy deliveries. The main problem with this movie is the flawed premise--how can traveling serial killers as sloppy as this duo (and oh, are they sloppy!) keep getting away with it? I can only suspend disbelief so far.
Oh, and more incest here. That makes, what, 5 out of 13 movies so far this October? Enough is enough!
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